"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit."
In a recent conversation with my best friend, I learned a life lesson that I hope to keep with me. I'm sharing and baring a bit of my soul with the hope that someone may need to hear it and might learn to let go like I am to learning too.
The background to the story begins when I was texting my bestie about how dang happy we are. I'm not trying to brag, and you'll hopefully see that in a bit. Let's just say that I am very happy right now. Life is good and I am grateful. She was mentioning that life is good for her right now too (4 months into a relationship that is going swimmingly well).
So I asked her, "Do you ever worry that you're too happy and that something might happen to take it all away? Like you just don't deserve this and soon enough you're going to get what's really coming to you?"
This is a real, real fear of mine. One that I lose sleep over. Night after night I worry, what would happen if....Usually it ends in a soaked pillow and a prayer to Heavenly Father to "help thou my unbelief (Mark 9:25)."
I will never forget my friend's response- it totally shocked me as I was expecting her to say, "YES! I totally agree with you and see what you're worried for, and you're a genius."
Instead she said, "Fear is a secondary emotion caused by guilt. I think we deserve any happiness that comes our way."
Hold up, Lady. This means that I'm not worried that I will lose what I have- it means that I feel guilty for having such joy? Then it all clicked. That was exactly what I was feeling. I was carrying one fat load of guilt on my back. Guilt for a lot of different reasons and all things that I had apologized for my part and should have moved on like a normal person. Guilt over things that I couldn't control or do anything about or help with. I felt undeserving of the happiness that I'd worked for and been blessed with.
Now, I am a lady of faith and I have been trying so hard to accept God's forgiveness as I know He's been generous in granting it. I had repented properly. I had tried to have more faith to know that everything will turn out alright. I had tried to focus on the good and let fear go away. I tried so many ways to move past these issues and yet the fear of losing had haunted me.
Haunted me until I realized that it wasn't fear, it was guilt. As soon as I read "it's not fear, it's guilt-" I felt lighter. I knew she was right, she was the genius. This has helped me in infinite ways. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning that I do deserve my fantastic husband and kids. I deserve whatever blessings I am granted. I'm finally learning that I am loved more deeply than I will know in this lifetime. And you are too!
And so, with this in mind, I decided to join in on a blog I frequent: simple as that. She shared this post about New Year's Resolutions. Rebecca picks one word to incorporate into her year and tries to live and embrace this one word. Rebecca chose 'strength.' Well, I have a word...
Free to be happy.
Free to enjoy.
Free to fail.
Free to learn.
Free to give.
Free to take.
Free to forgive.
Free to be forgiven.
Free to forgive.
Free to be forgiven.
Free to love.
Free to be silly.
Free from guilt.
Free from fear.
Free to be me.
So, this year, I am working to live free.
"All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired."
Thanks, bestie, you're an answer to my prayers.